I Don't Have A Facebook Account

Never have so few words, gotten such a blank stare, as the ones mentioned in the title of this post. I swear to you I could say, "I once spent a summer smoking crack with sea otters while making sweaters out of human pubic hairs" and it would be regarded with less shock. Said sweaters would also probably immediately make the front page of Etsy. They're down like that.

I used to have a Facebook account. I posted far too much on this Facebook account. I still, to this day, have friends tell me, "Facebook isn't the same without you" or "I miss your ridiculous Facebook posts." I smile and say stuff like, "Aww, shucks." I don't miss Facebook one bit, and I can honestly say I will never have a Facebook, nor a Twitter account, ever again.

Why, you ask? Well, I obsess to the max on these things. I would post way too much. I'd have to comment on everyone's posts. If I were not on Facebook for several hours, I felt like "Oh my god I've probably missed something terribly important." But you know what? I didn't. And after over a year of not having Facebook, I am still not missing anything. I have a phone number, and an email (an AOL email mind you), and this rad place called a house you can come to if you'd like to communicate with me.

I got really tired of people thinking that "liking" a status update therefore signified they were a good friend. Wishing me a happy birthday on a site, that reminds you that it's my birthday, is lazy. Saying you cancelled something by sending me a Facebook message, is not appropriate. Don't get me started on going out nights with people who were so busy trying to update Facebook with what we were doing, that they really weren't even a part of what we were doing. "Hey, look how much fun I'm having!" really equated to this:

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The article that picture came from is pretty good too. I am in no way interested in hanging out with a bunch of people who are texting or whatever, and not present where we are at the moment.

I spent a few months complaining how social networking and technology were making it socially acceptable to be rude, and entitled. Then I followed my own rule about complaining: you can only complain about something three times, until you need to actively do something to fix what you are complaining about. So I did. I cancelled all of my social networking accounts. At first I thought my world would end, but after about two weeks I sighed with relief. I am glad to no longer have anything to do with such things.

I understand why people have these accounts. I think if you use them responsibly they are fabulous tools. But they are a convenience, not a necessity. A lot of people forget this. I once brought up, on Facebook, how there would be a day each week I'd be leaving my cell phone at home. I said I would respond to texts and such the next day, so don't be alarmed if you couldn't get in touch with me. This started a whole slew of people accosting me about, "But I need my cell phone 'cause I'm a mom." To which I replied, "Oh yes, because the centuries in time before the cell phone, or even land lines existed, no one could effectively mother a child." Now, none of my choices to disengage and disconnect had anything to do with anyone. They were just things I needed to do. But as with everything else, people personalized my choices. They took it as a personal attack that I wanted to sever the leashes. Well, that's awesome and all. I only came back smartassedly once people started going down the laundry list of reasons why they couldn't possibly go a day without their cell phones. I liken this to people who say they'd die if they had to go a weekend without the Internet. I have several times given the response of, "One could only hope." I know, I'm a terrible human being. We've covered this already.

Coincidentally, I had to create a Facebook account on Thursday to do some research on kids cheating on tests by posting pictures of the tests on social media sites. It totally sealed the deal that I want nothing to do with this stuff ever again.

The day after I cancelled I received several, "Did you delete me on Facebook?" texts as that is apparently the new, "Did I do something to make you angry?" question. I laughed as I wrote back, "No, I deleted my account." I even had two friends who stopped speaking to me because they assumed I'd deleted them on Facebook, and got mad. Well, good riddance to bad rubbish I say.

Of all of the things I do, I can honestly say that I don't compare myself to other people. When other people go on a diet, change their eating habits, start exercising more, quit smoking, or do anything else they want to do to "better" themselves, I never take it as a personal stab. I mean, who would? A ton of people, that's who.

Which leads me to other situations where I have tried to live a healthier lifestyle. I lightened my friend load significantly when I quit drinking. Never would I have imagined I'd get so many negative reactions, to a positive life choice. Why would you think I would quit drinking and become judgmental, when I was never judgmental before? Does quitting something that is killing me automatically mean I am going to start talking about how much you imbibe? Apparently a lot of folks seem to think that's the case.

When I started eating healthier and cutting out the processed foods, some people responded negatively. My food choices aren't about you. What is wrong with people? Yes, I only buy local chickens where I've researched the farm they came from. That doesn't mean I give a shit what kind of chicken you eat. These choices I make are about ME. What do some people not get about that? Also, I eat the same raised in a cage with their beaks sawed off chickens most people do, when I go eat at my soul food places, so there's that. Get over yourself. I got over myself a long time ago.

Okay, ranting post over. But seriously, next time someone you know makes a choice to better themselves, if you take it personally, that's your issue. It has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with your own insecurities. Figure that out, and keep calm and carry on.

Happy picture of the day: this totally cracked me up.

April Movies

Here are some of the movies that I enjoyed watching in April. I would actually recommend all of these. I'm just going to leave out the ones that I watched that were rubbish. Okay, I have to at least mention Melancholia. Critics ate this movie up. I lasted through 15 minutes of it. I am going to attempt it again, as maybe I just wasn't in the mood for slow. But I have a feeling it's just a huge artsy yawnfest that even seeing this guy won't save:

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Sorry Alexander, go on sucking blood and I'll try to stop talking about this movie sucking. It works out for both of us. Now on to the good stuff (besides that picture 'cause let's be honest, that guy is awesome looking).

Sugar - I loved Half Nelson and that is what brought me to this movie. The same people who made Half Nelson made this. They also did another favorite of mine: It's Kind of a Funny Story. Sugar is a baseball movie, but it's not really a movie about baseball. Great characters and good story development. I really enjoyed it.

It Might Get Loud - This was like the fifth time I've watched this documentary. So good. I'm in love with Jack White but my love for this has more to do with love of musical talent than anything else. If you love Jack like I do, I also suggest you go watch this: Under Great White Northern Lights. This second documentary shows the White Stripes on a tour, sometimes busting in to impromptu shows on buses, when they can't find an appropriate venue and they're bored. Brilliant.

Insidious. There are very few newer horror/thrillers I will give a nod to. This is one of them. Not the best, but definitely made me jump here and there, and a pretty awesome original (kind of) story.

Elegy. This was a great movie. I really love Ben Kingsley. His character in this movie is really hard to like, but totally easy to understand.

Tiny Furniture. Love. I want Lena Dunham to be my new best friend. If you're not watching her new show Girls on HBO you should be. Judd Apatow saw this movie and contacted her to team up with her on the show. I've been in love with Judd ever since Freaks and Geeks. This movie was just honest and awkward, and the show is much the same.

Best Worst Movie. A documentary about Troll 2 (the only movie to have a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes). I could seriously watch this documentary ten times in a row. The main actor/dentist is hysterical, and the director is such an ass you want to punch him in the mouth. You need to watch this. Seriously, get away from your computer and go do it now.

Martha Marcy May Marlene. Love part deux. A great movie about a girl who escapes a cult and reunites with her sister. You realize the girl is crazy and unraveling, and maybe should've just stayed with the damn cult. A really good movie. The cult "leader" is played by John Hawkes, who is one of my favorite actors. If you haven't seen him in Winter's Bone you need to do so immediately. He does such an amazing job in that role. To.Die.For. Seriously.

That's it for April folks. I watched a ton more I didn't write down but they probably weren't worth passing on, if I didn't write them down.



To Be or Not To Be...Cheap

Every month I go through and do a budget for the following month. I write out all of my expenditures and balance it with my paycheck. I then decide how much discretionary income I have that month which will usually be spent on dining out, ebooks, or itunes. I'm a total creature of habit.

I spend a ton more than most people on groceries since I am really picky about what goes in to my body for the most part. I buy local grass fed animal proteins, and eggs, and all that jazz. I drink only almond milk or coconut milk, and I buy ridiculously overpriced stinky cheese 'cause well, it's delicious. I will go to restaurants that cost upwards of $100 for myself about once every other month, without blinking an eye.

I balance this out, by being incredibly cheap in other areas. I used to have a shoe problem. I now only buy new shoes if my current shoe that color, is so worn out I can no longer wear it. I used to be part of the water club at work and pay $5 to get water out of the cooler every month. As soon as I realized the drinking fountain was filtered water, I stopped doing that. When my plastic bag supply for throwing out kitty litter is getting low, I ask around at work for folks to bring me bags. I only run my air on 78 and energy saver, when it's REALLY hot outside. Otherwise it's just doors and windows open and fans on.

I spend what some would consider an outrageous amount for services to keep my lovely body hair in check, and keep my lawns mowed. Yes, I'm really talking about my lawns here people. It's the one thing around my house I would rather pay someone else to do. I have a HUGE back yard (yes, we're still REALLY talking about yards) with exposed tree roots so I'd rather not deal with the hassle. Here's 60 bucks dude, you do it.

I sometimes cheat on my farmer's market and walk to the Mexican store down the street for cheap produce. I have been known to sing the "Avocados from Mexeeeeco!" song as I grab them there, feeling only slightly guilty all of the gas that was wasted to get that avocado to me. I often times think I need to plant an avocado tree in my yard. Then I remember I already have three trees to take care of, and that thought quickly makes Mexican avocados seem quite allright with me.

I have learned that the spices middle class people will pay a ridiculous amount for like: saffron, star anise, lavender, and others can be found at this Mexican market in 99 cent packets. I laugh as my bargain shopping ways are appeased by this feat of money saving that can be equalled only by not buying the stuff in the first place.

I furnished my whole home for under $3000. This wouldn't be a big deal if the house was an ugly hodge podge of stuff just thrown together like my old apartments used to be when I was in my 20s, but my house is actually quite adorable. All of the furniture goes well together. My light fixtures are almost all changed out with things I actually like. I have great art on the walls. My entertainment center has doors that slide over the television when it's not in use, to expose some book shelves. Everything is ALMOST how I want it in the house.

I balance out my fancy tastes for things like lamb, by getting all excited over a 40 cent wallet from Goodwill with the Weinerschnitzel guy on it. I go and buy a brand new Fiestaware set, then balance it out with a $5 skirt I fall in love with at a thrift store. I find that life is all about balance these days. It's a tricky act, and it's almost working out for me now.

Happy picture of the day: disco weiner wallet. Don't be jealous.

Sharing A Meal

There is nothing I enjoy more, than making a huge meal and sitting around a table with friends, having great conversation, and laughing. I am always inviting people over for dinner. I do enjoy my alone time, but I also know that making a lovely meal is far less rewarding, if you sit down to eat it by yourself.

Sunday night I had some friends from Oakland over. I made pesto lamb chops, and garlic rosemary red potatoes. We talked about restaurants we have tried or want to try, and discussed making the perfect burger. The conversation never once went to poop or fart stories, which for some reason always seems to happen when I have people over (I may or may not be the one who instigates these conversations).

Monday night I made a lamb sandwich with some of the leftovers, then had some blueberry waffles for dessert. Tuesday night I made spice rubbed ahi tuna, and oven roasted cauliflower for my friend Ally and myself. Have you gone over and checked out her food blog yet? If you like food blogs, you should check it out: A Girl and Her Fork.

I think of all my leisure activities, sitting around sharing snacks is my favorite. Food somehow has the ability to bring people together. I used to have themed dinner parties, and I think I need to get back in to it. I did a bacon dinner party, a party where everything had to be in balls, a fondue party, an unfortunate looking food party, and quite a few more. I think my next will be a mid-century food party. All foods that were popular in the '50s and '60s. I was considering doing a glamour shots 80s party. People would bring foods popular in the 80s (think sushi and cocaine. Okay, just sushi), and I provide a back drop, props, and Aqua Net. We take horrible pictures of you eating said food. I think it would be worth having to get all that crap out of your hair the next day.

I have yet to have my first bbq at the new house. Probably because I personally do not grill food. Not that I don't think grilled food is delicious, it's just that cooking outside messes with all of my sensibilities. So if I ever have a bbq, someone else will have to man the grill. I think this is a weird thing to have to do at your own party, but I'm considering doing it anyways. Perhaps some time in July.

There is something about everyone sitting around with plates on their laps, laughing and talking with their mouths full, that makes me forget if even for a moment, about being frightened they may drop some of that food on the ground. I used to have a really hard time having large groups in my home, so I forced myself to do it more often. I only had a break down once, when about 30 people came over for a ghetto gourmet party, and we were supposed to be out back. People kept hovering around in the house and it was FAR too many people inside, and I finally freaked out and yelled, "This is an outdoor party. Everybody out!" I now realize that was my fault as I should've just had signs leading people through the gate, straight to the backyard, and put the food out there. It's also really hard for me to leave food outside. I'm working on it.

Note: a ghetto gourmet party is where you take something simple from your childhood and elevate it to gourmet standards, or you make something truly horrible that looks kind of gourmet. We had: hot dog empanadas, smoked gouda and chorizo stuffed jalapenos, a casserole consisting of pancake batter, American cheese, chicken nuggets, and french fries, and many more foods that made me laugh. Oh, the rosemary browned butter Rice Krispie treats were a favorite.

Sharing a meal is just one of the ways that I try and break out of my shell and do more things that involve others. It is so easy for me to get off of work, go home, put on pj's and completely lock out the outside world. I want to avoid being the hermit it would be so easy for me to become. Dinner parties are the one way I can open my home to friends with minimal stress, and have a good time.

Happy picture of the day: this sign made me crack up for so many reasons. First of all, that an underwear drive is an actual charitable event. Secondly, the way this is worded made me say, "Underwear driving is unsafe as it is, but now they're driving IN THE LOBBY? Everyone should probably avoid the lobby 'til May 2nd."

Lucky!

So a friend of mine just contacted me and asked if I would like to volunteer to help with an upcoming event. It's an event I have been looking forward to for MONTHS and now I get to go and help out, and totally avoid the ticket fee. I know, I'm a horrible helper. Anyways, if you are anywhere near the Sacramento area, and like MCM (mid-century modern) architecture, I suggest you come check this out.

Roush Residence Tour. I think this home is one of the most interesting in the area, and I am really excited to get to go and check it out and help with the event. Have I talked yet about how much I love architecture? I believe I have. The architect of this home was a colleague of John Lautner who is one of my all time favorite architects. Am I gushing? 'Cause I feel like I may be gushing.

Anyways, the point of this post was just to put out in to the universe how truly blessed I feel to have friends in the area who do such great work. I am really lucky to know people who work on preservation, and care about the city we live in. Whenever I get in a boohooey mood I need to remember that I get to be a part of lovely things like this, and these are the things that make life worthwhile.

I am going to keep this post nice and short. Because I want to, that's why.

Happy picture of the day: I FINALLY made the perfect burger. I made this truffle oil infused cheeseburger with caramelized onions and saffron mayo Friday night for my friend Marcella and I. It is seriously the best burger I've ever had. Hope I can replicate it next time.

Just Slightly Rehabilitated

I can honestly say that at least half of the time I feel totally confident in who I am. I have days where I really look in the mirror and think I am pretty keen. Then, there are those other times.

I was just approached by a co-worker who said she had a question. For some reason, no matter how great I am performing, I ALWAYS assume if someone wants to talk to me at work, it's because I did something wrong. Usually, it is the opposite. In this case, she wanted to ask if I would sit on an interview panel for some candidates they are considering for their new staff assigned to school board items, and legislative bill analyses. I said, "Of course. I'd be honored!" What I wanted to say was, "Don't you people realize I used to knock people's teeth out 'cause they owed my friend drug money????" and then I want to run down the halls screaming that I'm a huge phony.

No matter how much I know I've changed, and even though I am working on being the best Melanie I can be, I will always be haunted by my past. I will occasionally get little glimpses of old Melanie which I have to fight hard to beat down. I know she's in there. I sometimes get the feeling that at any moment I am going to rip off these dress trousers, this button up dress shirt, and these sensible shoes and underneath will be a Melanie with blood on her fists, wearing jeans, converse, and a hoodie, ready to attack. I keep her well hidden, but I can still feel her sometimes trying to claw her way out, and it's maddening. Maybe I just watched too much of the Hulk as a child.

The days when she is nowhere to be found are the ones where I look at someone being ugly and I feel sorry for them. I explain to people, "God, they must be miserable. Just look how they are behaving. They need us to just smile and nod. They are in their own personal hell." I am compassionate. I am quiet and well-behaved. And quite frankly, I kind of bore the shit out of myself. I try and distract myself with stories about how this cleaning duster straw, if used effectively, could probably poke out an eye or at least fly far enough to cause a laugh. I draw stick figures of a bunch of people on a boat, who then lose all their paddles, but they don't care 'cause they're in good company and everything seems right with the world.

I smile on the days that good Melanie is here. I'm proud of her, even though she could learn to be a little more exciting. She sometimes walks past a conversation where someone says, "18 grams of fat is a lot" and the other person answers, "But that's for 6 pieces. So for 1 piece, it's only like 2 grams." I yell from already a teeny bit down the hall, "3 grams! Your third grade math teacher just turned in her grave. Unless she's still alive. Then she just silently snubbed her nose at you and thought, 'I knew he was never paying attention!'" I don't know if they laugh and found it as funny as I did, 'cause I'm like Andy Kaufman. My jokes are for me and I really don't care if anyone else finds them humorous. I'm a selfish emm effer, even when I'm good Melanie. Good Melanie is also obviously sexist, since the teacher was a her.

Deep down I know that I am for the most part, this new improved Melanie. But sometimes I still smile slyly as I totally realize, "I have them all fooled." I am glad this new Melanie would rather be at home watching dvr'ed episodes of Lost Girl than out at a bar raising a ruckus. I'm happy chopping garlic and finding the best lamb recipe is way more important than what is going on this weekend out and about. I am totally satisfied with the fact that going out with friends consists of a quiet mellow dinner followed by hysterical conversation, and not ending up god knows where.

It's confusing to some mornings wake up and think you are this really strong, amazing woman who has gotten her shit together and achieved all of these things she should totally be proud of. Then the next morning you wake up and wonder how it is your house hasn't fallen down on top of you yet 'cause you totally don't deserve to even have shelter. I once saw a shirt that said, "Won't you take a ride on my mood swings?" and I honestly thought, "Who would wear that shirt? Someone who obviously doesn't have REAL mood swings. 'Cause it is in no way cute or amusing." Then I felt like an ass, 'cause it totally WAS cute and amusing, and I should probably own one of those shirts as an immediate apology to anyone who has to deal with me on a daily basis. You are all fucking saints.

I mean, some days I get up in arms over things like Lady Gaga's Born This Way. Umm, no, you were not born weird. You are a mastermind marketer who copied club kids and made yourself this totally palpable weirdo that everyone laps up. We are the real weirdos. You, my lady friend, are an imposter! Okay, an imposter that can actually sing and play the piano, but your music is still sucky and hollow and your outfits are in no way shocking or original. Now give me some of that meat suit 'cause I want to bbq. But then some days I think, "Good work Lady Gaga. You got famous doing exactly what you wanted to do. Congrats, diva!"

I'm going to stop writing now as I think I've completely forgotten why I started this post in the first place. Oh yeah, I'm not stable, but I play stable on tv. A tv that no one is watching, but they should be, 'cause I'm terribly entertaining.

Happy picture of the day: one of my co-workers gave me this spork. At first I had named it Winky, due to the face drawn on the sticker. Then I realized a winky is the name some little boys call their penis, so that name simply wouldn't do. Her new name is Winkstyle McSmileymouth. I'm pretty sure she's an awesome breakdancer.

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

First of all, let's all be impressed with my use, and proper spelling of, entrepreneurial *dramatic pause*.

In the interest of facing spring head on with pizazz and panache, I have come up with a few great ways that I can make some extra cash on the side (or someone can just pay me for working both pizazz and panache in to one sentence. That shit deserves at least a cookie or something). Those of you who lack what I call creativity, may think these ideas are crazy or weird. But I just call them ingenious.

Are you thinking about putting a lawn gnome or pink flamingo in your yard but can't quite commit? For the low, low cost of $5 per minute, I will come stand, back to you, anywhere in your yard. That way, you can see what a pink flamingo or lawn gnome would look like without having to commit to a purchase first. I'm here for you. You're welcome. (If you have no idea why this would work, go look here: tattoos).

Do you ever wonder if your jeans or an outfit make you look fat? For $20, I will come and stand next to you wearing the EXACT same outfit. You will realize you look amazing in that outfit, and buy it. This only works if you are smaller than me. If you aren't, for an extra fee, I will find you someone you can work with. I aims to help you feel pretty.

Do you ever think that you are awkward or absurd? For $50 I will accompany you to any public place and out-crazy you, making you look normal and charming by comparison. It's kind of a saintly thing to do, if you think about it.

Have you ever thought you looked out of place, or that your clothes were outdated? For $30 I will walk around with you holding up one of these:

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Depending on how much I like you, I may actually be willing to do that last one for free, just because I think it would be amusing.

Is there someone in your life who is ALWAYS one upping you in conversation? For the low, low fee of $75 I will go with you to a party and be your instant comeback queen. This will at least slow that person down a bit the next time they try and come at you with a quick one. I will also leave you with a generic list of 20 comebacks so that you can attempt to do this on your own. This is not recommended if it doesn't come naturally to you, as you will most assuredly just mess it up, and make yourself look even more stupid. So just pay me to come with you. That's your best bet.

Well, that's it for now. I could've came up with something like a dog walking service, but that's just not my style. I would rather walk hamsters, or make balloon animals or something. All my balloon animals would have to be dachshunds though, as I really have no clue how to make balloon animals.

On a completely unrelated note, we are currently watching a story about a police chase here at work. At one point in the chase the man actually stole a tractor and used it to take off across a field. I am fully convinced that the guy watched way too much Footloose growing up. And furthermore, how the hell did the cops not catch up to a guy on a tractor? He has since moved to a stolen truck, but I really wish he would've just stayed on the tractor yelling weird things like, "You can't catch me, coppers!" or "I will not be slowed down by the fuzz!" I don't want to see what he looks like 'cause I've already decided he's in 1920's garb with a really awesome wax moustache.

Food Obsessive Fatty

Of all of the things I am working on right now (which is a ton as I have so many issues that I often joke that I should come in a subscription package) the one most important to me is breaking my obsession with food/calories/weight. I know it may be shocking that someone of my size has this obsession, which is why I'm writing about it. It is probably my most difficult thing to talk about, as I am deeply ashamed of it. I contantly talk about how I'm not ashamed of anything, and this is somewhat true. But my obsessive stuff is still something that I have a sick feeling I should be smart enough to overcome. What's the use of having a genius IQ if you can't use it to outsmart your warped brain? I know that doesn't make any sense, but still.

I have gone about six months without writing down everything I put in my mouth (don't be nasty). It has been really hard (shut up), and since I have gained 9 pounds in those months, it has been REALLY hard (I'm being serious here guys. Stop being gross) not to get back in to the old habit. I do not want to operate like someone with an eating disorder, so I'm trying to just be normally thoughtful of what goes in to my body, and not obsess. It isn't working.

I used to weigh myself every Sunday, but tried to switch to only once a month. This didn't work so for now I'm weighing myself every other Sunday. Baby steps with these things I say. For some reason I have a number in my head that I should weigh. What's weird is it is nowhere near some "healthy weight" made up by doctors. It's just some number I've become comfortable with, and now focus on unhealthily, thinking it is what I need to weigh to feel okay about myself. I'm not there and I hate it. I will get back there in the next few weeks and stay there, no matter what I have to do. Any time I get more than 5 pounds over it I get terribly depressed. But I know how I got there, and it's stress eating.

I didn't work out for two weeks when my back was at its worst. I just got back in to it and I never thought I'd feel so great, being so damned sore. Another thing is if I miss too many workouts, I punish myself by working out way harder than I should. I can barely raise my right arm right now, and my thighs are so on fire sitting down is fun to say the least. And even though I know I could've injured myself, my brain doesn't work that way. I think, "This is what you needed to do. You can't go two weeks without working out and then not pay for it." Sick? Yes. It is what it is.

I am to the point where I think I can TASTE preservatives in food. It may sound like nonsense but it's true. Any sort of chemical item used in cooking and my palate knows it's in there. I am really trying to not go overboard with all or nothings, which is what my obsessions tend to make me do, with food. I want to be able to still occasionally go out to Vietnamese food where I have no clue where the meat came from, and I love it. I know that if I don't keep things in check I will become one of those people that so limits what they eat they can never go out and have fun. That is so not my style.

I don't want to make it seem like I don't like myself just the way I am, because most of the time I do. But I have found that in most circumstances, my obsessions and compulsions always win over my, "But it's okay that you do _______ Melanie." I can feel myself getting more and more healthy, slowly, as time goes by and I force myself in to uncomfortable situations, but I just feel like I should be doing better, more quickly. That's another one of my issues. I'm never good enough. Other people can be flawed and I love them. I am really, really hard on myself.

When I am depressed I also stress eat, and eat things I would NEVER eat otherwise. Speaking of chemicals, I had two 1 oz. bags of Cheetohs, and two Snicker bars last week. These are things that I would never have in my house, but as something arises that makes me upset, I wander to the machines at work and think, "One candy bar is totally okay." But then once I get a taste for it I just want more. It's a pretty ugly cycle, so I try to stay away from that kind of food altogether.

Of all my weird systems, obsessions, organizing tasks, etc. the food one is the one that I am most sad about. I don't want to be this way. I don't mind that in my house everything has its place. I don't care that in the shower I have to do everything in the same exact order or I'll forget. I am totally cool with having to wipe down my cubicle once a week with Clorox wipes. I am not cool with hating myself for not eating healthy 100% of the time or working out enough. That to me, for some reason, puts me in a class with dumb women who should have more important things to worry about, like just being a good person. I hate myself for it. I'm working on it. But I think I need to work harder. And there I go again. :)

I almost didn't post this because I realize how pathetic I sound, and how much it probably doesn't make sense to anyone who doesn't suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder, but you know what? This is how I'm feeling right now, so I can't be afraid to put it out there and just let it go. What's the purpose of having this outlet if I don't use it?

Happy picture of the day: it's skirt weather! I didn't even have to wear a coat on the walk in to work this morning! Yes, I wear Converse without socks. I call them my summer socks. Do I look smug or bored? I'd rather look smug. I'm feeling like today is a smug sort of day. I refuse to let it be boring.

Guest Posting Today

Over at All Fooked Up. Go check it out! :)

Inquiring Minds

Most people have a natural curiosity about them. Mine has gone straight past nosey and ended up in the "absurdly quizzical" section. Once I see something or hear something, I want to know everything about it. Well, not see or hear ANYTHING. It's mostly just bizarre stuff that no one should care about.

For instance, I just walked by a sign on the third floor which said something like, "Please do not remove our furniture unless you have cleared it with us and it has been decided we no longer need it. Thanks, Fiscal Services Division." My brain went straight to, "Who would steal furniture at work?" I then want to know who did it. I want to know their reasoning for doing it. I want to question them and ask, "Why did you think it was okay to just go in and take office furniture from another division?" I want, no NEED, to know these things. Then, I make up whole stories about furniture fairies coming to free the chairs. They lead them off to a field or a meadow filled with butterflies, where the chairs are no longer constantly questioning how they look under the fluorescent harsh lighting of an office environment. I then reassure the chair that had to stay here by telling it softly, "No, chair, your stuffing does not look fat in that upholstery." I may or may not be lying to the chair, 'cause he's always stealing M&M's and random socks you think the dryer ate. (I just realized after reading, and re-reading this paragraph, that I could write a whole book like this. A book of my nonsensical ramblings. The one person who buys it out of pure sympathy for me, will then go mad from trying to make sense of said book).

The other day in the elevator a co-worker asked, "What is that print called?" I said, "Houndstooth." He then asked, "Where did they come up with the name houndstooth? It doesn't really look like a hound's tooth." I replied, "And now you are my new person to hate, as I will need to go home and find out where in fact, they came up with the term houndstooth." I not only learned that it did get the name by looking like a snarly hound's tooth, but that some people claim houndstooth has gone in and out of style. Umm, some things don't go out of style. In my book, houndstooth is one of them. I like this article on the history of houndstooth: History of Houndstooth. Probably because it is short and I didn't get distracted by something shiny before I could finish reading it.

I will see random people on the street and from the way they dress, or walk, or one sentence they've uttered, I will make up a whole back story for them. Once, in my corner grocery store I had an obviously well to do white fella in his 40s lean over and say to me, "Isn't this great? It's like an adventure!" He was alluding to the fact that we were in a Mexican grocery store. I can only imagine the "brown people" were the adventure part. I get really annoyed with people like this and wish they'd just stay out of my neighborhood so I sarcastically replied, "Adventure, or for some of us a two minute walk from our homes. I don't see snakes or falling boulders, so I'm gonna go with short walk from my home." Then I imagined him climbing in to his super showy BMW, and driving home quickly to his house in Land Park, his toned pilates wife, and 2.5 Stepford kids to talk of the lady who was so rude to him in the "brown people store." He rarely gets to share the bed as she doesn't like the way he smells when he sleeps. He dies soon after from choking on his own pride and sense of adventure.

I also will watch people out in public and wonder what they are talking about. Often times I'll talk out loud as if I'm them, making up whole stories about how things are going. This is especially fun if it's an obviously awkward date: "But Charlie, I said I'd only been married three ti..." "Sue, I'm okay with that. I'm just having a hard time with how you drink beer. It's weird." "Umm, okay." "Yeah, I just really don't like the way you put your head down like one of those water sipping fake birds." "This is definitely not going to work." Then one gets up and leaves.

This is how my brain works pretty continuously, and is probably the reason why I have trouble sleeping. Who can sleep when you have to figure out where all the office furniture has run off to? And wondering if Jeff really thought that Lola's opaque tights looked so gnarly with her different colored peep toe shoes, he couldn't bear to go on a second date with her? So many things to figure out, so little time!

I think this may be my new favorite blog post of all time. Well, that I wrote at least. Happy picture of the day: flowers! I know I've posted a picture of flowers on my table before, but these are different flowers, so shush up your mouth!

Blogcation Ending Early

So after a horrible, rough, depressing few days I decided no blogcation. Or much shortened blogcation. And then the promise to myself that if I don't want to post every weekday, that's okay. I can go ahead and just write when I feel like I need to get something out, on no particular schedule. Which may not work as part of my obsessive behavior is scheduling EVERYTHING. We'll see. At any rate, I'm back bitches! I don't mind writing honest and truthful, but I most certainly didn't want weeks worth of me bitching and ranting, and I feared that was what would happen, since I'm in a mighty funk and don't see the end of it anywhere near. I'm just going to ride it out and yell out "Weeeee!" when it gets super fun.

I went to a doctor's appointment Friday and had a test done to make sure my fallopian tubes are fully blocked, so I could go off the pill. As I know how fast my body heals, I was sure my scarring would have occurred around the springs, and I would have a now non baby bearing uterus (for those of you who are new, you can see the story here.) I was right! I am officially now non-fertile, and I couldn't be happier. I celebrated by making a good friend ribeye steaks and broccolini with baked potatoes. So good. Thanks to Bradley for coming over to celebrate with me. It's a huge step and one I'm glad I was finally able to take.

I made the mistake of thinking that since I didn't want to take Lunesta or any other sleeping pill, perhaps I should try good ol' THC to help with my sleeping problems. Umm, no. I want to sleep. I don't want to feel weird, then fall asleep, then sleep 12 hours, then wake up so groggy I can't function until noon. I know this stuff has many medically helpful purposes, it's just not for me. Good lord, what a strange and wild trip that was. I do NOT like feeling altered since my sobriety. I have found that Norco is the only pill I can take for my back that doesn't make me feel loopy, so for now that's all I'm taking. Maybe I can try some Xanax or Ativan for my anxiety in the next few months. I've taken a half of a Xanax once and I found that it really helped. I didn't feel strange or altered, but I didn't want to punch everyone around me in the mouth either. See, when my anxiety hits I don't get scared or sweaty. I go straight to angry and wanting to kill every person around me. Not good at all.

I am going to be having dinner with Rich on Sunday night. I don't know if it has been long enough, and if it is awkward when we hang out I'll give it a little more time, but I REALLY miss having him around as a friend. He wasn't a great boyfriend, but he WAS a good friend. I don't want to lose that. He is going through some family stuff and I know he doesn't have many friends around here so I told him I'm here any time he needs to talk. I won't know if it's a bad idea 'til I see him in person. I am really lucky in that my logic always wins over emotions, so I can detach pretty quickly from stuff emotionally, if I know something isn't working. Or maybe I detach too quickly. At any rate, it works for me.

I got my copy of Let's Pretend This Never Happened on my Kindle yesterday, which is nice 'cause I just can't get in to Damned, so I'm going to put it aside. There are Jenny Lawson lovers, and there are detractors. I tend to think she has earned all of the hype she has received. She writes REAL, and she may be the only person on earth weirder than me. Plus, she doesn't shy away from writing about her depression and anxiety, which I find very refreshing. I look forward to this book, and am betting it'll be just what I needed to lift my spirits.

Okay, that's enough for today. Happy picture of the day: me on the bed with Molly. I really like the lighting in this picture.

Blogcation

Lately I've kind of felt like I was phoning it in so I'm going to take a week off and see if it can get my juices flowing, and my love for writing back. See you all on the 23rd!

You're So Vain...

I bet you think this tweet/Facebook status update/post/conversation is about you.

You know what? 90% of the time when you THINK someone types or says something about you, you're imagining things. But here's a fresh perspective: instead of getting all indignant, "Well ______ should've said that to my face" you instead see if they're right, and try to fix it? Even if they AREN'T talking about you, but you think they are, it obviously struck a nerve about something you feel insecure about.

All you can control in any situation is the way in which you choose to react, or not react. I'm not saying I don't find myself reacting badly a lot of the time still, 'cause I do. But I also know that instead of focusing on, "They had no right to blah blah blah" I focus on how I need to react or respond, so that I won't feel bad about it later.

People tend to personalize a lot of what I say in real life, and on this blog, but I can tell you something honestly. This has nothing to do with you. If I have something I'm upset about with another person I will generally vent it out to another friend. By the time I've done that, that's all I needed most of the time. If that doesn't work then I will calmly bring it up to someone's face. But I can honestly say I laugh when people take something personally that I've said, that has nothing to do with them. And at those times I will say, "You know what? The world doesn't revolve around you. This is not about you. But since you think it does, and that it is, maybe you can focus on that and perhaps tomorrow you won't wander around thinking everyone is out to get you."

I am guilty of personalizing random comments made in public too. But I catch myself and realize people don't care enough to be talking about me. So many people go someplace and if someone is speaking a different language they get insecure 'cause they assume the talking must be about them. So what if it is? If you care what a random person you don't know, thinks about you, you've got bigger problems.

I guarantee you if you stop lashing out about how wrong everyone else is for doing what they do, and shift focus to doing what you need to do to be happy and content, your world will change drastically. Also, everyone else's world will change drastically 'cause they no longer have to deal with the person who is always bitching about something/someone. Believe me, no one finds those kind of people pleasant. Like how this post wasn't pleasant 'cause it's bitching about the bitchers. :) (Yeah, I see what I did there).

Happy picture of the day: homemade lemon poppy seed muffins. I can't just lay around all day when I stay home. I tried really hard not to clean, so I baked instead. Which is probably why my back hurts just as bad, if not worse today. Today I'm not even reading blogs. I'm posting this then going to lay down and take it easy all day. Or until I get restless and have to rearrange my closet or something.

100th Post

I had written a fun 100th post complete with links and fun stuff and the formatting kept acting wonky. Being the super patient, not crazy woman that I am, I couldn't deal with looking at it anymore so I deleted it. So let's do something different, shall we? (And by different I mean the same, only not including the hilarious cut and paste I'd done with a spammy "Can I do a guest post on your blog" letter, complete with my notes on her terrible writing skills). I am home because I haven't been sleeping and my back is killing me. So I'm taking a rest day. During rest days I like to look at or listen to stuff that makes me happy. So that's what this post will be about.

My friend Patrick's band: The Freebadge Serenaders - Just What I Needed. They do original songs too, but this is one of my favorite. Cars cover song done bluegrass style? Yes, please. And yes, I have a best friend who plays the washboard. Doesn't everyone?

I am hopelessly and tragically in love with Loretta Lynn: Loretta Lynn - Fist City. Never has a woman looked so happy, while talking about how she's going to kick your ass.

These make me laugh: Unhappy Hipster and Garfield Minus Garfield.

I went to see this movie this weekend, and even if you don't love watching chefs like I do, this man has a lot of good advice for life. He's considered the greatest sushi chef in the world, and people pay upwards of $350 to eat 20 pieces of his sushi in Tokyo. Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

Lazy ass 100th post right? You're right. Now I'm going to go eat a waffle, take a pain pill, and lay around watching Netflix all day.

Happy picture of the day: finger sporks! Why? Because they're the most awesome thing I have that I'll probably never use. Well, next to my light saber chopsticks.

Better Late Than Never

I spent my whole life not getting along with my mother. Resenting that she had more compassion for someone on the television, than those of us in her real life. Being angry that she took no responsibility for being an emotional vacuum where nothing was ever good enough. Not realizing that the things she didn't protect me from, like a molesting brother and a drug-giving sister, weren't things she looked the other way about. She is so naive she just honestly had no clue they were happening. Railing against the idea that when my sister called her on the fact that we had never once gotten a hug from her, she responded with, "I was never hugged either" and we were pretty much told whenever bringing up emotional stuff to "get over it." So I just stopped fighting it. I came to the conclusion that my mom wasn't someone who wanted to grow and evolve over time. My mom wanted to live in her emotional misery, and that was okay.

It took me many years to realize that my mom did the best she could. She had had a very damaging childhood. The grammy that I loved dearly, was a horrible mother. I know that now. Some people bounce back from childhoods like that, and others do not. Having a parent who constantly discounts everything you think is valuable, and when you think you've accomplished something good, can be crushing. I know, because that is how my childhood was. If I got an A, it was expected. If I got a C, I was belittled and berated until I cried, and then was yelled at, "What are you going to do now, cry?" I was never physically abused by her. But I know for a fact that would have been easier to deal with. She raised her hand to me once, open palmed. I raised a fist back at her and looked her in the eye with what I'm sure was a look pretty close to hatred and said, "If you do it, I will hit you back. Only you hitting me won't hurt as much as my hitting you back will." She knew I was telling the truth, and never raised a hand to me again. There was zero positive reinforcement in my household, which is why I think I'm so big on giving it to others today.

Since my grandmother passed I have seen a new side to my mom. A side that I know is there because she does not want us to feel about her, the way she felt about her mother, when she died. Don't get me wrong, she loved her mom and was a dutiful daughter to the very end. But she also had many bad things to say about how her mom was when they were growing up. A lot of the same things that I have to say about her when we were growing up. A few weeks back as I was leaving my house I hugged my dad goodbye per usual, and was walking away as my mom yelled out, "Hey, what about me?" I hugged her but it was unnatural. She isn't a "hugger." It was weird. I texted my sister, "Mom just asked me for a hug. I think I may see a pig in the air on the way home." Then on Easter I hugged everyone and as I was walking away she said, "Where's mine?" and I was honest. I said, "You know, this hugging thing is new from you. You have to give me a while to get used to it." I have watched my aunt hug my mom for years, thinking it was funny 'cause you could tell how uncomfortable it made my mother. I for one never found that funny. If something makes someone uncomfortable, I would never do it on purpose. Well, except for sending the video link to She's Like The Wind to my best friend, who can't stand Patrick Swayze. But that's different! I also am VERY touchy feely. I took my childhood and flipped it. My girlfriends who are comfortable get huge smooches on the mouth. The ones who aren't get hearty hugs. Boyfriends always get snuggles and touches and me finding non-verbal ways to say, "Hey, I see you. I care about you." I want to make sure that no one in my circle ever doubts how much I care about them. In that regard, I know I sometimes overdo it, but I don't care. Anyone who thinks there is such a thing as too many hugs, probably wouldn't last long in my friend circle anyways.

My mom has said "I love you" to me exactly once in my life. I was standing in line in the courthouse. I had been sentenced and was turning in my paperwork and fees. I got a text, "Good luck. I love you." I love you by text. The lamest way to get it. But I burst in to tears right there in line. I know how hard that was for her to do.

I now realize my mom did the best she could. I no longer hold the resentments and anger I did for her for so long. I'm disappointed in myself that I held on to that toxic shit for so long. How much time people waste focusing on the horrible things, or the reasons they are totally validated in acting shitty! I never want to be that person again. And I really hope that my mom continues to grow until her last moments on earth. It really makes you feel better, and more at peace, to just let go and try to be a better person. I want that for her. I want her to stop stressing about shit that doesn't matter. Hell, I want to be able to stop stressing about shit that doesn't matter myself. But I want it more for her. She has no friends that she didn't meet at work. I want her to spend the rest of her time here on the planet feeling that I love her, and I appreciate what she did for me, which looking back was a lot.

Happy picture of the day: cheap groceries! I got everything there on the counter for around $20. I got lavender and flax seed for cooking, apples, garlic, a pork roast, tortillas, beans, butter, an onion, and avocados. I love bargains and yummy whole food.

Shop Locally

It's something I really try and do. I buy all of my toiletries and cleaning products from Target, along with other household items. But other than that, I try and support places owned by folks who live here, who care about the environment and are using responsibly sourced things. Even if I don't know where everything was sourced, I still like to support my smaller mom and pop shops, no matter what.

Never Felt Better Vegan Store. I have not been in to this shop in almost a year. I need to get my booty back in there. It's owned by a lovely young couple and it carries food stuffs, as well as clothing and accessories, all of which are vegan and earth friendly. They also carry Nacheez, which is the best vegan nacho cheese in the world. She does email ordering if you'd like to try some. It's made from cashews and it is THE best. I linked to the yelp page because her main page is on Facebook, and I don't have Facebook. *gasp*

Mulvaney's B & L. Not only is the food here delicious, but Patrick Mulvaney goes in to detail of what items they recycle, and where their things are sourced. I like responsible restaurants like this. Plus, the guy loves pork. I love pork. He also once did a dessert based on The Big Lebowski. That's really all it took for me.

Mei Mei Noodle Factory. Heard about this place from a friend who went there recently. I've driven by it forever yet never even noticed it. Fresh homemade noodles on the cheap? Yes, please. This is another Yelp link, 'cause they don't have a website.

Doughbot Donuts. This place is just plain dangerous. They make everything from scratch and come up with the greatest flavors, like lavender lemon, and blood orange donuts. My favorite is still the chile chocolate, or the maple bacon bar. Way better than anything I had at Voodoo Donuts. Don't throw things at me Portland folks, I'm just being honest. This young couple just makes a superior donut.

Taylors Market. Very small, and kind of spendy grocery store but they are very knowledgeable about where their stuff is from, and how it was processed. That to me is worth the extra money.

Terranova Coffee Roasting. I just discovered these guys. The beans are not from Sacramento obviously, but the roasting is done here. Their coffees are all fair trade. I was buying a fair trade from Target, but recently switched so I could help fund a company employing folks locally.

This is just a small list of places that I support in the Sacramento area. I know it's impossible to get all local items, but I try and do my part to make sure I'm putting money back in to the local economy. It's important.

Here's a website I love that shows how simple it is, and that tells you why even spending a small amount locally every month, makes a huge difference: The 3/50 Project.

Happy picture of the day: one of my favorite local murals. This makes me smile every time I see it.

Awesomeness Is Everywhere

Yesterday I was blue. So blue I had to text and call friends for support 'cause I wanted nothing more than to do something to numb myself. Something so I didn't have to be in a state of down that didn't appear to be going anywhere, any time soon. I'm still quite depressed, but I'm trying to focus on the fact that we are being released early due to a holiday, and then I'm going to pick up my sister to stay the night, and we're going to pig out on pizza, and then go to dim sum tomorrow morning. She texted me that her boyfriend punched her in the mouth yesterday, and she finally kicked him out. I'm glad because I have had a really hard time being nice to a guy who I know treats her poorly, but it's not my job to save her from that. Doesn't mean if I see him again I won't be tempted to bash his head in to a tree, but let's get on to the good stuff.

Every time I'm blue I make a gratitude list. I write down everything I am grateful for. Believe me, this is not so easy to do when you're so busy focusing on your first world problems. But I did it.

I am grateful that I have friends who do stuff. If I need my car fixed, I have someone to call. If I need a picture of underwear driving a car (actual request I got yesterday from someone at work after I made a joke about our underwear drive) I have someone to email and request that. If I need a painting of any sort, it's mine. If I need someone to make girl reading a book mud flaps for my Honda, I have someone who could.

I am grateful that I have neighbors who are helpful. One of the fellas just got back in the country after returning home to Jalisco, and almost every night when I come home he asks, "Do you need anything done around the house?" So far they've cleaned my gutters, and trimmed up a bush in front of my house. I told them I can't pay them but I can make them food whenever they want. Having a sense of neighborhood is really important to me, so I'm glad there is one where I live.

I am grateful for awesome ladies at work. I was moping around this morning dismayed 'cause I don't have any fresh flower money in my budget this month. Voila! My friend Kymberley just walked up and handed me two bunches of flowers. Hiya miracle. I see what you did just then.

I am grateful that I have a family to spend Easter with, even if some of them aren't the greatest company. Some people have no family.

I am grateful that I have a really cool building built in the '20s near my work that I can sit on the grass and look at when I have the blues, and appreciate how awesome architecture can be.

I am grateful that people plant random flowers on the streets here.

I am grateful that I didn't drink or do anything last night that would in any way compromise how far I've come in the past few years.

I am grateful that a lovely lady named Kathy took the initiative to hide easter eggs around the office this morning, so I got to have chocolate with my breakfast.

I am grateful that I have a house that feels like a home, and two borrowed kitties to snuggle up to.

I am grateful for so much more, but I don't want to spend all day doing this. :)

Happy picture of the day: a restaurant I went to Wednesday had a really cute housemade peep dessert. I loathe peeps, but got it anyways (I can't stand the texture of marshmallows, blech). It came with a 50/50 pot de creme and a lemon lime bar. Thanks Mulvaney's for always having such whimsical menu items.

Keeping It Together

There are a lot of principles I've learned in recovery, that I carry over to help me cope with every day life situations. They help to make my crazy life more managable, which if you have read this blog for any amount of time you will know is kind of a daunting task.

The serenity prayer is something I used to laugh about and make fun of. Now it is something I use on almost a daily basis to remind me that I need to stop stressing over things I have no control over. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I think if everyone lived by this the world would be a much more peaceful place. Your friend is dating an idiot? Well, there's nothing you can do about it so tell them your concerns once, then be a supportive friend and get over it. Stop nosing in to the business of others. It is THE BUSINESS OF OTHERS. The only thing this prayer doesn't help with is my anxiety and panic, but actually in a way it does. Every time I go in to a panic spiral I ask myself, "What are the facts of the situation? What can you do to make it less stressful? If nothing, calm down and just focus on the fact that this isn't going to cause you harm and you will be okay." That kind of is just a spin on the serenity prayer. If you aren't religious, take the word God out of it. I promise it'll still work the same if you start the saying with, "I should have the serenity to accept...."

Making amends promptly when I do something wrong. There are two steps in AA that deal with recognizing and taking ownership for the part you play in the bad things that happen in your life, and apologizing to people you have wronged. I try and do this on a regular basis. I spent so many years blaming other people for why my life was so bad, when really I played a huge part in it. So I stopped doing that. Now when horrible things happen there is almost never a time I can't look back and see how if I'd made a smarter decision, it would have never happened. It is a good way to live life with no regrets, and move forward having learned from your mistakes. Also, you have to apologize to people and really mean it. It's the only way to not constantly do things that you need to feel sorry for. I do very little I have to apologize for. But when I do if my pride gets in the way like, "They do not deserve an apology for that" I have to remember that a lot of the time the apology is for me, not them. It is so that I can become a better person.

Carrying the message to other people/alcoholics. I try and be really open about all of my problems, both mental and addictive, in the hope that other people will see me and have hope. You can be a bi-polar, OCD, ADHD, alcoholic and function in the world and have healthy relationships. You can own a home. You can laugh through life and listen to great music and read great books. You can sometimes fall on your ass and fail miserably when the anxiety gets the upper hand, but eventually get up and brush yourself off and move on. There is never a fall so far, that you can't climb back up from it. Unless you're dead. Then you can go ahead and stop bothering.

Today I leave you with a fun song, and a more fun picture of me at my friend's wedding a few weeks back. What I forgot to capture was this HUGE wall mural of elk. I kept looking at it and thinking, "I bet that lights up." So I got up and good lord if I didn't find the switch. I turned it on and exclaimed, "Oh, so regal!" and about 30 people laughed out loud. Then, when the lights dimmed later on for dancing time, it looked even more ridiculous/amazing. I'm glad I found that switch. It kinda made the reception more awesome.

Billy Lee Riley - Red Hot. I'm pretty much a fan of all old rockabilly or blues songs that sing about how they were in love with a gal who was so tall she slept in her kitchen with her feets in the hall/out the door. (There are a ton of them. Have fun with Google today finding them. You're welcome for that time killer.)

I had taken this thinking it was a party favor, but actually it was for a photo booth type thing they'd set up. My friend had to come steal it back, 'cause that sucker was totally coming home with me.

Kids

First of all, I am slightly dismayed that everyone focused on Rich and my break up yesterday, and no one commented on how rad Mable's glasses were. Now on to the topic at hand.

I am never having kids. I have known this since I was very young. However, I love kids. My degree is in Child Development, and I have always found human development to be fascinating. What makes one person compassionate while another becomes a sociopath? How much of our behavior are we born with, and how much is learned?

I always get a little uneasy around people who say they hate children. Hating any whole subset of the human race is strange to me. Making broad, sweeping generalizations reminds me of sentences like, "Black people frighten me." If you say you hate children, I hear you saying something akin to being a racist. It's the same. Now, I get not liking bad children, or loud children. Just as I don't like blatantly ignorant people. But I don't get hating kids period. I respect if you don't, but I can't say you won't make me tilt my head a little 'cause I don't get it. Everyone was once a child. Do you hate a whole portion of your own life? Or is it just other little ones you despise? Okay, I've proven that I don't get it. Let's move on.

I have only in my life ever come across two children who were horrible, despite having great parents. So maybe we should be focusing on bad people raising kids, rather than "bad kids." Does a 3 year old really know any better? You will never see me more angry than someone telling a toddler, "You know better than that!" Umm, no they don't. Maybe you shouldn't have had kids if you don't even have the slightest idea of brain functions at different ages. Why do we have to have a driver's license to drive a car, yet any idiot can have a child?

I mentioned on another blog how I think there are people who are born to be parents, and those who aren't. I think a huge portion of those who aren't give in to societal pressures because it's not "normal" in our society to be childless. Those are the horrible parents. They didn't want a kid in the first place and you can tell by their interaction with their little ones, that they know they made a terrible mistake. But instead of bucking up and being responsible, they treat the child like it's their fault the adult wasn't strong enough to stand up and say, "I don't want to be a parent. I wasn't built for it."

Last night my friend Kel came over with his son Nathan. Kel was obviously born to be a daddy, and it shows in Nathan. Nathan's mom was not born to be a mom. At 36 she still goes out drinking and dancing, bringing men home, and Nathan is not her priority. Kel fought for years and finally has custody. It took a lot of convincing and hardship on his part, but now he's a full time daddy. They are moving back to his home town in Washington on the 21st of this month, and I'm going to get in as much time with them as I can before they leave.

Hi, I'm Nathan and I was not asked to pose like this. I'm just that awesome.

The kid had me when the first time he came over, he ran straight for my USS Enterprise and Star Trek episode guide. He's definitely a nerd in training, and I love him to bits. He's going through a growth spurt so last night he ate a grilled cheese, two corn on the cobs, and half an apple at my house. I just wanted to put him in my pocket so Kel would leave without him. He's one of the coolest kids I've ever met, and Kel really deserves credit for raising the future generation of rad.

We made a video of him playing my Wii dance game last night, but I'm not even sure if I can imbed video in Blogger. I'll take a few stabs at it, as it is hilarious and will make your day.

We giggled the whole time. Kids dancing is one of my favorite things in life to witness. I wish we all could just let go and dance like this once in a while. So awesome.



On Being Authentic

Sometimes I wish that average, was good enough for me. I watch other people who are perfectly content in relationships that are described as "fine" or "he's a decent guy" and I really think that might be where it's at. But I can't do that. Last night Rich and I broke up. We broke up not because I hate him, or because he cheated, or because he was horrible. That would've made it easier. We broke up because we are at two completely different places in life. He is unable to say he's going to do something, and follow through. There is a fine line between compromise and settling, and I had finally wandered over in to settling territory. I won't get in to details, or bad mouth him in any way. Our relationship had super fun times, and it had some bad times. I am extremely sad today, but I'm also relieved. We broke up while holding hands, and my head resting on his shoulder. He told me, "You are amazing. Some day you will find someone who is everything you need them to be. I'm sorry I couldn't be him." We left with no hard feelings. Just a promise that after a few months maybe one of us would call the other to go check out some art, or share a meal. But for now, we need that separate time. I most certainly don't want to be one of those women who makes the mistake of using him for a cuddle buddy or make out partner. That's not fair, and I won't do it. There is a lot about him I'm going to miss, but there are more things about him that I WON'T miss. And I'll just leave it at that.

Most of the time I think I will never find a man who is my equal, and accepts me completely for who I am. That is what I need in order to be happy. I need someone who will look me in the eye, and meet me toe to toe, and not back down when we are having a disagreement. I need a sharing and a balance of power. And I am perfectly fine being single my whole life if I don't find that. I am good at nurturing, and making sure someone is cared for. But I'm also good at being alone and taking care of myself, when I have to.

In this blog I am not totally forthcoming about all of my mental issues, but it's not because I'm afraid or ashamed. It's because I don't want people to pity me. I also don't want a pat on the head because it truly is a miracle that I have a full time job and own a home, and get through life with the grace that I sometimes can achieve. It's really effing hard. So this one time I will be blatant about my head. I am in a constant state of extreme mood swing. I am in one moment totally happy, and the next moment terribly sad. I have so much anxiety about most things that it causes me to pull my hair out, or rub my hands raw. I have rammed my head in to walls in frustration, just trying to make it all stop or go away. I have trained myself to do the average every day things that most people take for granted, like watching a movie or reading a book. But sometimes I can't do that. I'm at a place of acceptance with my stuff. That's not to say that sometimes I don't think it sucks, and is really unfair. But I think everything happens for a reason. I was given all of these obstacles so that I didn't take things for granted. I try and look at it that way as much as I can. I can't always do it. I am trying to learn to reach out for help when I need it, but it's really tough. I am to the point where I am seriously considering meds. Probably not any time soon, but I'm at least not completely opposed to it right now. But that's today. Tomorrow could be totally different.

You'll notice if you're a daily reader that I seem to say one thing one day, and something different the next. It's not that I'm not speaking my truth, at the time. It's just that my truth changes so often sometimes I can hardly keep up with it. One day I'm appalled that someone is rude to a co-worker. The next day I'm being totally snarky to a co-worker. It is what it is.

I write this blog in order to drain my head. It is literally a tool like letting the pressure out of a balloon. I need all of this to go somewhere. It used to be in a journal, and now it's here. I am thankful that I get letters about it helping people, or making people smile. That is certainly a fantastic bonus. But I write this because I need to right now. And there may come a day when I no longer need it and *poof* it's gone.

The only guarantee I can make is that maybe you'll be able to say, "Damn, I thought I was crazy!" or even, "She has been through some shit and is still able to accomplish her goals. Life isn't so impossible."

Happy picture of the day: this is the picture off of the back of my Crockpot Cookbook. I kind of love Mable. And I am not going to lie, I totally want that shirt.

Solitude

I made the decision to try and make April a relaxing one. I did far too much in March and felt like I had no time to myself, so I have only two or three plans in April, and I'm going to try and keep it that way. I really need my time alone. My house also hasn't gotten a good cleaning in a few weeks. I've cleaned, but not like I need to. So next Sunday I'm going to clean this place from top to bottom, before I go and see my folks for Easter.

This weekend I went up to Twain Harte, where my folks have a cabin, all by myself. The plan was to have a girl weekend with my best friend, but her father passed last week. I decided to go anyways. She is still out of town attending to family stuff, so there is nothing I would've been able to do for her had I stayed home. I drove up the mountain and arrived to this:

We have had the place since I was about 2. I learned to snow ski at a nearby resort, and I have many fond memories of this house. It has changed a bit, since a few years back a tree came from up the hill, and destroyed the top floor. I really miss the kitschy 70s wallpaper in the kitchen, and the old counter tops, which are now covered in granite.

I laid around watching movies. I watched Beginners, and started bawling like a baby when Ewan McGregor's dad died. It made me think of my friend, and all she had done in the recent months to try and get her father sober and healthy, and how it was too late. His body was wrecked and it couldn't bounce back. I wish I could just hug her forever and do a spell to bring him back. I tried to enjoy my alone time in between thinking too much, and being too distracted to sit still through a movie. I must've gotten up six times during Beginners. Once was to get some coffee cake. When you are alone, you can put coffee cake in a bowl 'cause it just seems right, and no one will judge you for it.

Then, just as my mother predicted, it began to snow. My car is in no way capable of driving in the snow. I ran down and pulled the car to the bottom of the driveway, so I at least wouldn't slide in to the neighbors across the street when I attempted to leave and go home. Not shockingly, I started to panic. I got nauseous and threw up a few times before I could talk myself down and tell myself the worst that was going to happen, was that I'd have to call in to work Monday. But more important than that, Rich and my six month anniversary was last night, and I didn't want to miss it. I calmed down, and then looked out the window at this:

That there is my car, buried under a foot of snow. It was covered in much more yesterday morning when I started it up and cleared all the windows, to head home. In a world of miracles, a snow plow had come all the way up. This NEVER happens. Usually they just come up the main streets and clear them. Someone was looking out for me Sunday morning.

While I was freaking out, I did what I do best. I made a meal.

I had gone shopping early Saturday morning because my friend Lauren was maybe going to show up, and I wanted to be prepared just in case. One of her anxiety triggers is eating in front of strangers, so if she came up we were going to be eating in. I usually mostly eat out when I'm up there. Lauren decided not to come, but I'm lucky I had shopped, so I didn't have to try and battle the snow to get food. The house was fully stocked. I made a peppercorn crusted pork loin, asparagus, and rosemary garlic red potatoes. Then I did the second best thing I do, I ate it all up.

Well, okay, I didn't eat it ALL up as in my stress time I made enough for like five people. But I did eat that much. It was super delicious. By the time I was done with dinner and had a cup of coffee, I no longer felt like I was going to die.

On Saturday I watched Pretty Woman and The Blindside on ABC Family. I wondered why Pretty Woman was on a family channel, as I don't really find it child appropriate. Unrelated side note: that movie was supposed to be WAY darker. I met the writer and in his original script, Kit dies and Edward and Vivian do not end up together. Apparently after a studio buys your script they can do with it what they want. I like the fairy tale version of Pretty Woman, myself.

All in all, it was a good weekend where I got to think a lot. I think I was so anxietal because I really wanted to see Rich last night. I wanted to be with him. Six months may not seem like much, but this is my first sober relationship, so it's pretty special to me. I love that guy, even though I get mad at him sometimes. Also, I have not shaved his lip beard off while he's sleeping yet, so that's a good sign. The soul patch/flavor saver is my ALL TIME LEAST FAVORITE type of facial hair on a man. But as I wouldn't want him to tell me how to cut my hair, I would never tell him how he can or can't grow facial hair.

He had said he had something little planned, and that fell through, so he showed up with nothing but some eggs to help out for me to make breakfast for dinner. Expected Rich behavior. I said to him, "A homemade card, or some flowers would've sufficed. Showing up with nothing after you tell me you've done something, is really a let down." Typical of our relationship and not shocking at all. He's a genuinely nice guy, just really naive in relationship matters. I let is slide once again. I'm trying to appreciate he's a nice guy who gives me neck rubs, opens car doors, and really tries to let me know he cares about me. Unless of course that means showing up on an anniversary with a card or flowers. :)

I really try and live by the idea that you either accept someone for who they are, or you let them go. Not saying that there aren't things I would change about him if it were possible. But it isn't possible, so I am attempting to just let go, and accept that he does the best he can, and he's a truly kind individual. That is enough for me for now. Plus, he's a big snuggle bear. Last night when I was showing him the picture of my car covered in slow, he let me tackle him down on to the bed in the guest room and give him a huge smooch, then do one of those annoying things where you make a fart sound on someone's belly with your mouth. How many other grown men would let me do stuff like that?