This post is for Dude Write. This week they've invited the ladies to join in the dude fun and write a post, or send an old post, to be voted on. I chose to write how I sometimes can be sort of dude-like. Go on over and check out all of the entries by the awesome ladies participating.
If there is one thing in life I've always been painfully and acutely aware of, it's that I'm not like any sort of stereotype of what a woman is supposed to be like. I rarely wear make up, I own two pairs of high heels, I can probably kick your ass, I cuss like a sailor, and I never wanted to get married or have kids.
When I first started mentioning to people that I didn't want children, I was around 12 years old. It's the year I also decided I wasn't going to church anymore. I was kind of in a "challenging everything" space in life. I threw on a Cure shirt, some creepers, and told everyone I was going to do the things that felt right to me, and eff what the world thought. People said, "Oh, you say you don't want kids now, but you'll change your mind." At age 20 I asked my doctor what I would need to do to get a tubal ligation. The answer was, "Nothing. We won't do that until you are thirty or have had children." I was angry. I replied with, "But if I come in and have ten abortions that will be cool? Far be it for me to responsibly decide I never want kids." At age 30 I went back with a smile on my face and said, "Let's tie me up!" Still no. It took until I was 37 years old for them to finally agree I was old enough to make my own reproductive decisions. I am still appalled that this happened.
All through my relationships and dating life even if I was in love with someone, it was very easy for me to detach when I needed to get away because things were unhealthy. Sure, I stayed in some relationships longer than I should've with hopes that the bad things were just a phase, but that hasn't happened in a very long time. I never had any sort of dream of that great house with the loving husband and wonderful kids. I just wanted a partner I could laugh with, have great sex with, and who made me feel appreciated. I have that now. I have it with two men. I have it with two men who have wives. One of the men has a wife and two other girlfriends. The other has just his wife and has two kids. Last night I went and watched the kids so he and his wife could have a date night. The best thing about reading is that you can pause right now to freak out if you need to. I'll allow it. I have been polyamorous about six months now, and it is the best decision I ever made, outside of choosing to remain childless.
I have an anxiety disorder that makes it very important to me to have systems and routines and stick to them. If I don't the fallout is pretty ugly and messy. This has also led to me having a lack of girly morning rituals. I can't be bothered to flat iron my hair and make sure it's perfect. I can't even imagine getting up early enough to "put my face on" every day. I see women who do that and I love them for it. I just have too much other stuff to worry about. I have to clean the kitty litter box and sweep around it. I need to make sure all the dishes from the night before are put away. I have to fold the blanket up on the couch and put it back in the closet. There are many things I do every morning and not one of them has to do with a visible beauty regimen. I cleanse, exfoliate, tone, and moisturize every day. That's my girly routine for you. I have to have soft skin. It's part of my weird OCD stuff.
I like who I am. I like that the times I do put on a dress, make sure my hair is perfect, and put on make up, it gets noticed. I like when I go out and someone is like, "Whoa, you look really pretty." Of course then the guilt comes as they say, "Not that you aren't always pretty. It's just nice to see you all dolled up." I think my favorite old timey compliment comes often from my friend Eric when he says, "You clean up real nice." So cute.
Today I am wearing Levi's, a Jawbreaker t-shirt with a long john shirt under it, and sneakers. I wore an R2D2 beanie. When given the choice, I will always choose comfort over style. I am happy that I can be myself without apology. I am glad that I can do things that society might see as deviant or weird and not really let it effect my decisions. I am surprised how many people I come across who live their lives according to the expectations of others. I really enjoy that I have enough high expectations for myself, that I don't really have time to care what people I don't know think I should be doing.
Happy picture of the day: this is me, looking rough. No make up on, sitting at work, huge zit on my chin, and totally content.